My Car Has Arrived!

With the perfect combination of poor fuel mileage and style how could you not want to drive a Ford Fusion? This was the car they told me I couldn't get... after I had already bought it. I don't know how you sell someone a car that is already sold (must have been quite a good salesman). Don't worry, with some enlarged veins and legal jargon my father was able to set them straight and I am getting additional features free of charge (which is fortunate for me and Caden as Tarena will now have rear-park assist). All I'm saying is it will be a little more difficult for Tarena to prove that she "accidently" backed over me several times.

To all of those concerned I have not yet spent a night on the couch, I was intelligent enough to make sure I had a second bedroom when I bought my condo. Oh and before I forget Tarena left the cap off the toothpaste this morning... and she'll never hear about it (unless she keeps reading my blog), if only I could experience such mercy.

Writing a blog has its ups and downs. First I appreciate the feedback and the stories that relate to my posts. One downside is the threats. Erin has already suggested that throwing rock hard toothpaste tubes at me is a good idea. I'm scared every time I brush now. Another interesting development is the addition of a creeper named "carebear." to my blog. I would suggest you lock your doors when you start reading my blog or always have someone with you. She has also stated that she likes McDonalds so I would avoid getting your McNugget fix this week. I have alerted the authorities and "carebear." will be found.

-Matt

For Freedom!

Good morning,

I really appreciated the comment left by Andrew on my last blog; it reminded me that we (men) are not alone in this struggle. Though women get together and share their struggles and support each other on a regular basis; men (at least most that I know) internalize their struggles and deal with it in private (because we have tact!). This puts me (and I'm sure other men) at a large disadvantage in most arguments. When I take a stand on an issue I'm reminded of all the people that agree with Tarena. "Well, you know your whole family agrees with me."

But men are not without their defence mechanisms. You see a man does not shake in his boots at this remark; in fact the idea of the whole world rallying in arms to crush him emboldens him. Now the battle is more interesting and the stakes much higher, I must stand my ground at all costs. Perhaps we (men) play too many video games or watch too many movies where one man must stand against a vast number of foes and prevail. I feel much like King Leonidus now (minus the six-pack) against Tarena and her Persian army, it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong, for FREEDOM!

That being said I don't think you can ever win a fight against a woman. Unlike men they don't know how to 'forgive and forget', rest assured you will hear about your shortcomings again (sometimes years later!). Keep in mind that even with all his heroic might King Leonidus ended up being impaled by several thousand arrows (which is how I feel after Tarena is done with me).

-Matt

Put a Lid On It!

Hello again,

Lat night I forgot to put the lid back on the toothpaste and based on the lecture I received this is very serious. What is it about this small white cap that throws Tarena (and I’m sure other women) off when it is misplaced. Such a minor offence would be overlooked by most men.

This story illustrates the basic difference between men and women. When a man encounters an obstacle he simply overcomes it, there’s no need to dwell on what happened or who is responsible that would waste more of his own time. As an aside if I wake up to a tube of Crest Rubber-Cement (now with scope crystals) I simply employ one of my tested and true clog removing techniques. I can usually dislodge the blockage with sharply applied pressure and if not (because of insufficient time) sometimes I just have to enjoy the rubbery texture. But solving the original issue is not sufficient for a woman. She must ensure that the person who is responsible for this lidless atrocity must not go unpunished. The perpetrator must know what they have done, who it affected, how many times they’ve been told before, and most importantly that talking about this is so important it must happen now (not after your done blogging).

This is only one minor difference between men and women I observe in my relationship. Communication is another area where men and women are apples and oranges. I have ranted about this to a few of you before but I feel it is appropriate to share my wisdom once again.

Women like to talk. It doesn’t have to be important or interesting sometimes they simply wish to throw words at you (usually when you’re trying to do something that requires concentration. My first piece of advice is to listen because as much as they like to talk they prefer to yell (at least mine does). When a man wants to tell another man something he can usually do it in a mere fraction of the time it would take our female counterparts and with far less words. For example if I wanted to invite Mike to a movie I would simply say “Hey, do you want to go to a movie”. There’s no need to bog him down with my days activities and it would waste my time explaining it to him anyway. Perhaps this accounts for the exponential growth of Tarena’s side of the phone bill every month. When a woman wants to tell another woman something it is usually surrounded by the ENTIRE days happenings. So if Tarena was asking Kim to go to a movie it would probably sound something like this: “Hi Kim, it’s Tarena… blah blah blah… This morning Matt forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste… blah blah blah… Took me so long I was late for work and had to cancel an appointment… blah blah blah… now I’m free this evening… would you like to go to a movie tonight?... Does Mike leave the cap off the toothpaste as well?”

-Matt

My First Blog!

Hello,

At long last I have created a Gmail account and a blog... but why? Well my true inspiration comes from reading Kristin's blog (which if you didn't already know is both hilarious and adorable). At this point you are probably asking yourself what I could possibly blog about. It's no secret that I am a simple man. My days consist of inactivity and unhealthy food (I estimate I will have burned off the calories from one of my morning Tim-bits by the end of this blog, and Tarena says I'm lazy).

Perhaps I will describe the crazy antics between Tarena and me? Currently I am trying to prevent her from naming our offspring "Weather-Basket" or "Quilt-Toaster", two of her favourite names (at least I think that's what she said, I was on my computer at the time). I will call this section Matthew vs. Tarenatron (the ultimate in Matthew-beating technology, yes Brad she has surpassed you). I think my vast experience on the married front could benefit a lot of you. I would describe Tarena as an Unstoppable Force and myself as an Immovable Object (which is more accurate every time I enjoy a McChicken).

I could also blog about my work or current events. Everyday I selflessly do my part to combat computer illiteracy. You see, if I am successful I will have to find a new job. I read a fair bit at work and from what I can tell the US economy isn't doing so hot and some people are shocked that Clay Aiken is gay (once again my faith in human intelligence takes a blow). In older news, senator McCain... hehe the joke ends there. I know, right now you're thinking that was a bad joke but it made me giggle. Maybe I should talk about Barack Obama; no one else is even with his latest "free abortion with every vote" incentive.

I may also blog about my family, I think we're quite humorous us Jones'. But more on that later.

-Matt